Scarred lesson…

I’ve been through so much in my life. The amount of scars I have from the hardest lessons I learned are hard to forgive and forget.

I became pregnant at the age of 19 by my boyfriend at that time. No it wasn’t planned, but I could never see myself aborting a child. I didn’t know what to do, I had just started college, my parents had just split up, I didn’t have a job. As time went on my pregnancy became a high risk one and I had to be in bed rest which lead me to drop all my classes. To make matters a bit more complicated, I chose to hide my pregnancy, I hid it bc I knew my mom would be disappointed and (if you read my previous post) my dad would expect for that to happen… I hid it for 6 months before I told my mom (I wasn’t really showing). I even knew the sex. Through out those 6months I did take care of myself and went to the doctor. When I told everyone I was pregnant, yes my mom was upset but she supported me and was proud that I took the responsibility and didn’t get rid of it. I did my bed and I laid in it. That was the right thing to do in my situation. 

As months went on, it was time to meet him, I had a beautiful baby boy! Just moved out, with my sons father, everything was good. Until he decided to get drunk every night. I took care of my responsibility and took care of the baby 24/7, since he was working and providing for us. I made excuses and said he was just stressed. Until one night, he got violent. My son was at my moms for the night, so we were home alone. I remember being slapped, pinned to the bed, him cursing, yelling at me, the smell of liquor coming through his mouth, his eyes of a crazy man. I remember crying, crying for hours. I decided not to tell anyone because he begged me not to, I forgave him for that night since it was the first time…. Not realizing that it was going to become his new hobby. To this day I don’t know why I stayed as long as I did… Crazy thing was that no one believed me, not even my own family. I felt lonely, defenseless. My son was never present in any of the abuse until one day. The day he beat me and punched me in the face infront of my son… The fear in my sons face broke me… I could never see that look in his eyes again. I had to leave. I then realized that I couldn’t stay anymore. I was left with a scar on my face that time, it took him to leave a scar on my face for people to believe I was being physically abused. Smh. I finally got the courage to leave. I left and never looked back. I couldn’t afford to pay rent alone so my only choice was to live with my mom again. I went to court and got a restraining order against him. He became obsessed with me, to the point where I had 22 missed calls from him in 1hour. He swore I would never be with anyone else. I honestly feared that he would really kill me and take my son away. I came to find out he also cheated on me with his current girlfriend. I took my time on moving on, I needed to heal from that. I wasn’t ready to be with anyone. Just like many woman, I never thought I would be a victim of domestic violence. 

My son was my motivation to move on from that situation. He didn’t deserve to be put through that, neither did I. 

I learned my lessons. This situation was one of my many scarred lessons.

1. Domestic violence is never ok, don’t make excuses for anyone. No one should ever be put through that. And if you are going through that, walk away! 

2. You are strong. Know your self worth! 

3. Don’t feel like you won’t find love again, but don’t feel the need to rush into anything new. Mentally you will not be ready for it for awhile and that’s ok. 

You can’t imagine how much I struggle with this sometimes, to have been with someone who claimed to love you but physically be ok with hurting you. I vouched to never ever just let another man put his hands on me, I promised myself I would fight back, no matter what. I learned to be a strong, independent woman and of course be the best mom I could be. I sit here writing this, it’s the first time I’ve told anyone other than my family and a few friends. Writing about this is helping me let go and move on from things. A friend told me that I have to forgive those who will never apologize for their mistakes… And that’s what I’m doing, I’m forgiving this man for doing this to me. This was a part of my journey, one of my struggles through life and one of many of my scarred lessons. 

If you, or anyone you know are victim of domestic violence, please reach out to this hotline 1-800-799-SAFE , they are there to help 24/7. ALL CALLS ARE KEPT CONFIDENTIAL!