Scared… 🙄

And not of a person, but of a situation. Playing with fire waiting for you to get burned, how not to be scared. Wanting to continue to play with fire, knowing it can hurt. Scared to love again, scared to let anyone in again, realizing I can’t. But playing with  fire is making me happy. As confusing as it may sound, and complicated it maybe. Others expect an explanation, or for it to make sense to them… But it doesn’t have to to them. Em I scared hell yeah! There’s no excuses I can make. I know maybe I shouldn’t. I’m scared to admit a lot of things in regards to that situation. 

Should I stop the situation? Should I continue? Might I get hurt? Em I scared? Maybe the answer to all is YES… Now what!? Ugh 🙄 

Late night blab

I’m tired of being used and abused, not psychically but mentally. Tired of being understanding, cool, calm and collected, being played like a yo-yo.

Ef that! Hate how I don’t have it in me to be spiteful. Hate how I allow them to treat me the way they do. Sickening at times. I’m done. I know I always say this. But this time I realize it’s my fault, I chose to let it happen, over and over again. Smh.

I’m in such a better place now mentally with myself. Yes I still have my days in which I struggle but when I’m past it, believe me, I feel unstoppable. I’ve grown so much in the past few months. That I sit here in bed and look back at where I was months back and I can honestly say, I healed, accepted and let go of a lot. It’s all about learning and not repeating the same lessons.

I’m allowing myself to, for the first time, to set my emotions aside, grow from my mistakes, regret nothing nor blame anyone. To this very day I look back and it’s crazy how much and what I’ve been through and still I stand, strong, powerful, and on my way to being successful, with the most important tool, self love.

It sad to say that I thought I loved people who I had by my side… But how could I have claimed to love a stranger when I didn’t even love myself? I’ve learned that there’s nothing more beautiful than loving yourself. I don’t NEED a man to make happy, I WANT one. There’s a difference. And it took me all this time to figure that out. But hey it’s better than never…

Goodnight everyone

Wasting time…

We do it all the time. We do and many times fail to realize it. We say we should’ve known better but truthfully we did. We just chose not to. 

We decide, conciously knowing we shouldn’t, choosing to ignore that gut feeling, many should listen more to. 

Whether it be giving our undivided attention to certain individuals we know don’t deserve it, Whether it be doing things we know we shouldn’t be doing, many times we later sit there and question; why did I waste my time? I should’ve known better!. We are a lot brighter than we give ourselves credit for. We are so use to excuses and blaming others, that we rarely take responsibility. It’s not about regrets, it’s about being responsible for your decisions, never regret something that you conciously knew you decided to do. It’s a lesson, take it, learn from it. We make decisions of who and what wastes our time. 

We allowed that person/situation to do so, so why are we so quick to blame others, make excuses and clear ourselves from our “I knew better” decisions. 

It’s all about thinking past the moment, take a second, get out of the box, out of the right now, and think is it worth my time? Will I blame someone for it? Will I regret it later? I can bet we will have a lot less heartache and have a lot less time wasted. 

Happiness…

We are always surrounded by negativity, by toxic environment, and people. But learning to have it around you and not let it affect you is a whole other ball game. Being happy doesn’t just include your surroundings. Being happy starts and ends with you. Learning about yourself. Understanding and accepting yourself. If you don’t love yourself, happiness won’t come easy. 

A friend told me, that I had to learn to be alone, that I needed to love myself so I can truly be happy… And I thank that friend. Because it’s true. I’ve given myself my time to myself, to focus, to understand and accept who and how I am. Done what I’ve wanted to do, set goals and begin to feel happy. 

This has been the happiest I’ve ever been. I’m still learning about myself, I can’t lie. I have my days… But seeing where I am and how I’m doing what I need to get done, no if, ands, or buts, I couldn’t be any prouder of myself. I can honestly say I’ve learned so much about myself in the past few months. 

Im learning to love myself. Finding “me”time is one of the best things I could’ve done. Lol doing the smallest things that make me smile truly keeps me happy and motivated. Through out my journey I never really got a chance to do this for myself. But after so many lessons and heartaches I’m learning. 

And as for the love life… I’m trying out the whole dating scene. Lol having fun, hanging out, nothing serious. I’ve learned that I’m not ready for anything serious with anyone. I just want to enjoy my free time. I have so much going on that adding a boyfriend into the mix can possibly cloud my vision, and I can’t have that. 

My focus is me, my son, school and work. Nothing else 😇

Do it for yourself!

Don’t wait on others to do it for you. Don’t give others the opportunity they don’t deserve. Don’t wait for a prince/princess ( it’s 2016 people… Lol) to rescue you from the dragon. 

Do you know how much more prideful you will be if you slay your own dragon? Dragon being your life or a current situation. These fairy tales sold us stories based on someone else saving us, what if we saved ourselves? Wouldn’t it be abit less complicated. Why give someone else that kind of power, when you can give it to yourself? 

I don’t know about you but the feeling I get when I accomplish something on my own is amazing. It puts the biggest smile on my face and walk with the biggest pride in the room. No matter how small, celebrate it, be proud. Look back at it and say, that? Yeah I did that! 

You have no idea how much we are capable of. We are so use to others doing for us, because that is what we are led to believe is suppose to happen. But guess what it’s 2016, let’s show these fairytales we don’t need a prince/princess to save us. We will slay our own dragon! 

No better feeling than self accomplishment! Believe me I know!!! 

Strength

That word. Strength. Oh man! 

It’s not something that’s mastered. Showing it is a lot easier than being it. Believe me I know! It’s crazy how everyone expects you to have it and be it… Through everything life throws at you. But if only they knew how much easier it is said than done. 

Strength is something that I’ve had to had with no other possible choice ever since I had my son. Regardless of being the punching bag to many obstacles, finding strength is they key in overcoming it.

Putting up a strong face is easy, tuck everything under the rug is what many do, pretend you got it like the rest, but truly believing in your strength, in the battle of life is one of our biggest accomplishments, in which we don’t give each other enough credit for.  We wouldn’t be able to manage or handle our journey if it wasn’t because of the strength we have. Even if it’s alittle, you got it.

If you get knocked down, pick yourself up again, it will all be alright! From experience, believe me I know, as dark as your cloud may be, as bad as you want to quit, Don’t! You will get through this. It’s ok to shed a tear or show anger when no ones around. But don’t allow them to kick you while your down. Show them strength, believe you are strong and that you got this and anything else that wants to come your way! 

Dear Mr. Big…

I love to love. I love to please. I love to take care of others. But imagine losing yourself due to trying to make someone else happy.

I tried. I tried for months.

He thinks I changed. And maybe I did. But how else was I suppose to be? I was with someone who I couldn’t make happy, he loved me but wasn’t Inlove. His dark cloud, no matter how hard I tried never left. And I came to realize it was up to him to make it disappear not me.

Mr. Big was the first man I came to look up to and admired after so many years of believing true honest man didn’t exist. He was a true man. I was always so proud of him and who he had become in my life. He loves my son, my son loves him.

I get it, life is overwhelming, but how not think of the things I did when weeks would pass and you wouldn’t touch me? How you shut yourself away from the only one who wanted to take away all troubles? How was I suppose to not be consumed, with being a mom, live in girlfriend, working a full time job, taking care of the bills, making sure I was there for you through everything, and everything was taken care of?  Was I not suppose to be tired with all the giving and maybe receiving 20% back of the 100 I was giving you? Helping you deal with all your troubles, getting involved with your business when you asked me to. And never did I think to leave you because it was too much, because you needed me as much as I needed you. I’ve never tried so hard in my life at anything like I did this relationship, so you can go ahead just pull the plug like you did. In a matter of seconds I took your offer in moving in, no matter how hard it was going to be, I was up for the challenge because we were a team.

Everything I was taking care of to make sure you weren’t overwhelmed, everything I did to make sure you were ok and always had me there, but you just weren’t happy and it wasn’t because I did anything wrong it was because of your own dark cloud. No matter how hard it got, I stood there, wanted to make it work at all cost. Yes you blame the timing of us being wrong, but could we have found other solutions to make it work, yes. I was willing and still willing to make it work, but that wasn’t one of your options. You had your mind set up. I lost myself in trying to take care of everything, and everyone, it consumed me until Jennifer was no where to be found.

When you pulled the rug from under me, it left me with figuring it all on my own again, no more team, relocating, jobless, back to being a single mom again, and yes I’m strong but I’m still trying to find myself. I couldn’t and still can’t come to grip of what happened and how fast it happened. How can I when I was willing to be what you needed in me and improve myself, I could’ve still accomplished by your side what I am now, I’m getting myself back to where I need to be… But you weren’t willing to give me the chance. Don’t you think I wish it was with you by my side as I want you to be, and not just my friend? Yes I know I have a lot to work on, but so do you, it’s not like I had no reason to be how I was, but you seem to block that. I constantly blame myself but that needs to stop because I did everything I could, I gave you all I could and look where it got me. I lost myself. I was blindsided being in this “team” because you were just physically there, not mentally. And honestly I can still say I love you because no one is perfect, but I was willing to make the changes I needed to, we didnt need to continue to live together to make it work.

And this love and hate war I have against you is because of how fast you were to walk away, how ok you were with ending things. Whether it was bad timing like you say or whatever the case was, I tried, I tried so much, I drowned myself in it and lost myself because of everything that was going on but never did I wanted to leave. But it is what it is Mr.Big.

Thank you for the lesson learned. Hope you accomplish what you couldn’t by my side… And I’m sorry if I said anything that hurt, but It was my turn to Vent.

Sincerely,

Jen

 

 

Bad timing?

Ever been with the perfect person for you, your soulmate, your best friend, someone who has been in and out of your life for over a decade and everytime that person comes around you get butterflies? Imagine not being able to have that as you want it because it’s just bad timing.

My Mr. Big.

Ive known Mr. Big for 15 years or so, we weren’t always in touch through out those years but everytime we got in touch it was like no time had been lost.

We had been in the same class since the 2nd grade, even graduated together in the 8th. Don’t get me wrong we hated each other through out those years, he picked on me and I picked on him… Neither of us wanted to admit we had a crush on one another. We lived down the block from one another, and never seemed to care until we reached high school. Every morning and afternoon for a year we would take the train together, it was honestly one of my best memories from h.s. I remember all the good laughs we had on the train ride. It’s crazy because we looked forward to seeing one another everyday, and truthfully when I didn’t, it made me sad. I always remember walking up my block and him starring from his porch, like a creep lol. But we never mentioned our crush for one another, we just always knew something was there but for some reason we decided to ignore it.

As my next year in high school began I remember looking for him on the train, the bus, and the block where we lived and I couldn’t find him, come to find out he moved… I never thought I would miss him as much as I did, I didn’t realize how much those rides with him meant to me until he wasn’t on that ride with me anymore. A few years went by, I graduated h.s and got over Mr. Big not being there on those rides. I was in a relationship with someone, and shortly after graduating became pregnant. I remember him finding me on social media, and we came into contact, but this time we couldn’t talk as freely, I had restrictions. I was in an abusive, controlling relationship. Talking only at certain times, and those certain times were always good times.

I removed social media and changed my number, loosing contact with Mr. Big again due to that relationship I was in. Once again years past by, and no contact. I decided to come back to the social media life, and not a day later Mr. Big messages me… I remember having the biggest smile on my face, I never thought of hearing from him and specially with him telling me had a dream about me and felt an urge to check up on me. I’m not going to lie, I felt a bit weird but comfort in it at the same time. I was separating from someone and needed a friend at the time and he couldn’t have come at a more perfect time. I confided in him, I literally told this man everything, he became my best friend. This time we said would be different, we promised to never lose touch again. And we’ve kept it… Sort of

He was going through a lot as well, and I gave myself a mission as his best friend to remove him from the toxic surrounding him and I kinda did. We never thought we would end up together. But we just clicked. We loved that we clicked and rushed into a lot of things. When we were good we were good. People saw us before we saw it. We were told how we were soul mates before we realized it. There was just something in this friendship, relationship, we never had before and it was like a drug. We were addicted to that feeling of having one another.

Things escalated quickly, things happened where I lived, and for my sons health I couldn’t stay there anymore and needed a place to stay, he welcomed us with open arms… And I could never thank him enough… But now to think of it, I don’t regret it, but I wish I could’ve just came back to my home and still have a boyfriend, a best friend, a life partner. Never wanted to come back to my home single, alone, and with just a friend.

But im taking it day by day, and trying. Yes I know we rushed a lot of things and that might have ruined us. But was it bad timing? Maybe. I just know it hurts. We were a team, and now there’s just a You and an I. We are at an awkward place where I don’t know how to deal with this friendship, and sometimes I even wonder if we should be in each other’s lives… But there’s still this feeling when I see him that I will continue to hold on to and have faith that one day, it won’t be bad timing.

 

 

Planning

This little word was the topic of conversation between a friend and I.

He believes planning is a great thing, planning helps create vision and ambition, and by planning you will have eyes on something to complete, by planning you are building success, and I respect and understand what he means because it’s his opinion. I believe planning is a good thing but What I don’t believe is that believing your plan will work to the T is being realistic. We went back and forth and I don’t think he truly understood what I meant. Us believing that our planning will work is a beautiful thing, don’t get me wrong, but only one person on this earth has plans for us. We can plan all we want and what we fail to see is that our life story has already been written. Planning is just an idea of what we want and how we think we will get there, “think”. My friend understood me as kind of having a negative mentally, which maybe the case in some situations and maybe I came off as that bc I had a few drinks, but many love to plan… And everytime we think we have a grip and order on our plan, (well in my case, hope I’m not alone) many things appear to put you in a position in which it feels like nothing can go right, nor smooth.

My friend mentioned that if we plan for ourselves thinking of just ourself its a plan for success but when we plan with needing others help we kind of plan for failure because now we depend on others in order for our plan to work…  Bravo, to those who can plan without anyone’s help! But in my case, in order for me to do what needs to get done at this moment so my sons future can be brighter, I need to include others, I can honestly spread myself so thin. It wouldn’t be realistic to think I can do it all on my own. I’m a single mom, who is going back to school full-time, and working a part-time job… Nothing in life comes easy, believe me, I know… But even if you plan there’s so many missing pieces to that puzzle that you dont come to realize until it’s sitting on your lap and that can be overwhelming. I have so much going on in my life right now and having a grip on it all honestly feels impossible, no matter how much I plan, things happen, so now what? Did I invision myself where I am today? No. Em I doing the best I can? Maybe. But can I get credit for what I have done, taking into consideration what I’ve been through? Please.

I love my friend, but sometimes people are put through situations that being realistic and just mentioning the cup being half empty, doesn’t mean I dont see it half full too. Nothing is as simple as we plan, and that’s what I meant, a bunch of obstacles always like to pop up and it can be nearly impossible to believe your “plan” will work due to it constantly needing for it to be rearranged.

 

Scarred lesson…

I’ve been through so much in my life. The amount of scars I have from the hardest lessons I learned are hard to forgive and forget.

I became pregnant at the age of 19 by my boyfriend at that time. No it wasn’t planned, but I could never see myself aborting a child. I didn’t know what to do, I had just started college, my parents had just split up, I didn’t have a job. As time went on my pregnancy became a high risk one and I had to be in bed rest which lead me to drop all my classes. To make matters a bit more complicated, I chose to hide my pregnancy, I hid it bc I knew my mom would be disappointed and (if you read my previous post) my dad would expect for that to happen… I hid it for 6 months before I told my mom (I wasn’t really showing). I even knew the sex. Through out those 6months I did take care of myself and went to the doctor. When I told everyone I was pregnant, yes my mom was upset but she supported me and was proud that I took the responsibility and didn’t get rid of it. I did my bed and I laid in it. That was the right thing to do in my situation. 

As months went on, it was time to meet him, I had a beautiful baby boy! Just moved out, with my sons father, everything was good. Until he decided to get drunk every night. I took care of my responsibility and took care of the baby 24/7, since he was working and providing for us. I made excuses and said he was just stressed. Until one night, he got violent. My son was at my moms for the night, so we were home alone. I remember being slapped, pinned to the bed, him cursing, yelling at me, the smell of liquor coming through his mouth, his eyes of a crazy man. I remember crying, crying for hours. I decided not to tell anyone because he begged me not to, I forgave him for that night since it was the first time…. Not realizing that it was going to become his new hobby. To this day I don’t know why I stayed as long as I did… Crazy thing was that no one believed me, not even my own family. I felt lonely, defenseless. My son was never present in any of the abuse until one day. The day he beat me and punched me in the face infront of my son… The fear in my sons face broke me… I could never see that look in his eyes again. I had to leave. I then realized that I couldn’t stay anymore. I was left with a scar on my face that time, it took him to leave a scar on my face for people to believe I was being physically abused. Smh. I finally got the courage to leave. I left and never looked back. I couldn’t afford to pay rent alone so my only choice was to live with my mom again. I went to court and got a restraining order against him. He became obsessed with me, to the point where I had 22 missed calls from him in 1hour. He swore I would never be with anyone else. I honestly feared that he would really kill me and take my son away. I came to find out he also cheated on me with his current girlfriend. I took my time on moving on, I needed to heal from that. I wasn’t ready to be with anyone. Just like many woman, I never thought I would be a victim of domestic violence. 

My son was my motivation to move on from that situation. He didn’t deserve to be put through that, neither did I. 

I learned my lessons. This situation was one of my many scarred lessons.

1. Domestic violence is never ok, don’t make excuses for anyone. No one should ever be put through that. And if you are going through that, walk away! 

2. You are strong. Know your self worth! 

3. Don’t feel like you won’t find love again, but don’t feel the need to rush into anything new. Mentally you will not be ready for it for awhile and that’s ok. 

You can’t imagine how much I struggle with this sometimes, to have been with someone who claimed to love you but physically be ok with hurting you. I vouched to never ever just let another man put his hands on me, I promised myself I would fight back, no matter what. I learned to be a strong, independent woman and of course be the best mom I could be. I sit here writing this, it’s the first time I’ve told anyone other than my family and a few friends. Writing about this is helping me let go and move on from things. A friend told me that I have to forgive those who will never apologize for their mistakes… And that’s what I’m doing, I’m forgiving this man for doing this to me. This was a part of my journey, one of my struggles through life and one of many of my scarred lessons. 

If you, or anyone you know are victim of domestic violence, please reach out to this hotline 1-800-799-SAFE , they are there to help 24/7. ALL CALLS ARE KEPT CONFIDENTIAL!